Life is like a wild horse--Unless you ride it, it will ride you! (from the movie: "Princess of Thieves.")
Saturday, April 17, 2010
V: A Faithful Man Who Can Find?
If you've been reading for a while you know that "C" often writes about the plight of divorce, and especially how it affects women and children. Sadly, this is because she sees the wreckage in her family law practice everyday. I have to admit that I've become somewhat discouraged lately. Who could avoid hearing daily of the rampant infidelity in the lives of the rich and famous. Are we so desensitized that we just don't care anymore? Have we become completely apathetic regarding the breakup of the family?
C" informed me recently that her estranged husband has been extending requests for "friendship" on Facebook to old friends and relatives. He also sent Christmas cards with a photo of him, his girlfriend and new baby (his new family as he calls them), to friends and relatives of his wife! Remember "C" is still legally his wife! These actions were deliberately cruel. A close mutual friend of ours called me the other day to tell me that she had received one of these requests. "No way am I interested in being his friend on Facebook", she stated emphatically. "C" was relieved to hear this because that's one of the statements her straying hubby goaded her with. "No onereally cares", he told her. "People will get over it and everything will go back to normal." In other words, he believes that there are no real consequences for him. Do people really not care anymore when an individual turns his back on his family. This man was an elder in his church, counseled others, was a loving husband for over 35 years. Their marriage was a harmonious relationship and "C" was an exemplary, supportive wife, sometimes setting aside her own career to prop up his new inventions and ideas. He led a faith based community group for several years, opening their home to friends and strangers, leading Bible studies and classes. Many people, including several families, lived in their home for months at a time. He graciously extended hospitality and friendship to many in his community. So how does someone just change suddenly and give up family, honor and reputation? Was he an impostor or did some organic change occur affecting his personality and judgement? There is much more that I wish I could divulge, but it would not be appropriate. The deception in his life involves many other areas and has caused pain and loss to friends and family.
As a father, "C"'s husband was totally involved as soccer coach, scout leader, etc. So this hypocrisy has left us shaken to the core and puzzled as to how he could turn his back on his family and friends, without seeming to have any remorse. When someone rejects their entire family, even their family of origin, you have to wonder what went wrong. Innocent children have also been hurt. "C"'s nieces and nephews adored their Uncle C who indulged them with his time and attention, and to have him turn his back and leave the family has caused confusion and hurt. "C"'s 8 yr. old niece recently asked her mother, "So when do you just stop caring? When is your family no longer your family"?
My heart goes out to "C"'s mother-in-law who is a strong woman of faith. She wrote about her feelings concerning her son recently at Immigrant Daughter. I have also been the mother of a prodigal child, so I can relate to the deep feelings of pain and sorrow. Several months ago over lunch, we talked about how you can never give up on a prodigal child. You MUST persevere in prayer for them and trust the Lord to bring them to their senses. I strongly believe in continuing to love and pray for the prodigal, while not condoning their behavior. When confronted with a defiant, unrepentant attitude, I believe there is a responsibility to NOT give tacit approval to their choices which hurt innocent people. My friend who refused to accept the "friend request" on Facebook, felt that by "accepting" the invitation she would be giving unspoken approval to his behavior. I believe she is right.
Several years ago my own sister, faced a similar situation. Her husband of 25 years waited until their son turned 18 yrs. of age to announce his leaving. Of course he insisted that there was no other person involved. This turned out to be a lie. He even had the audacity to bring this "other woman" to a Christmas party that their Sunday School class had while still married to my sister. It was a couples class that they had been members of for ten years! The pastor and one member of their class did privately confront him, but for the most part many people really didn't seem to care that much. One person even said to my sister "well, at least they are in church". Can you imagine how that made her feel? She soon felt compelled to leave her own church. Her ex-husband and his girlfriend still attend that church.
In Proverbs 20:6, Scripture says: "Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find"? When everyday we hear of a new celebrity breakup it seems that there are few faithful men. We live in a society that has chosen for the most part to "look the other way" concerning infidelity. "C"'s husband now proclaims that "God wants him to be happy", and therefore he has done nothing wrong. The human heart is never more resourceful than when it seeks to justify it's own selfish desires. It is interesting to note that is exactly what my sister heard from her ex-husband who sought to excuse his actions.
As I read over my words, I feel that they may seem harsh and judgemental to some. Some may feel that by being his "friend" on Facebook that they would be leaving a door open to have positive influence. Sorry, but I do not agree with that opinion! "C"'s husband said himself that people don't really care and so that is how their acceptance would be interpreted by him. I've chosen to remain silent until now concerning my friend's marital situation. Please indulge my anger over this most recent transgression by "C"'s remorseless husband. Sometimes you just have to speak up for what is right! My own grandchildren have suffered the sorrow and devastation of divorce. God hates divorce. I hate divorce. Unfortunately, it is sometimes necessary. May we lend our love and support to the victims.
Mid-sized city, Somewhere in the South!, United States
We are "C" and "V," two baby-boomers who have been through thick and thin--50+ years of best-friend togetherness.
C is a divorce attorney, separated from her husband of 40(!) years--at age 59 he ran off with a thirty-year-old-never-married-mother-of-two and has now fathered another--and we're not even divorced! A very hard time for C.
C has one grown son--no daughter-in-law or grandchildren yet! (Drat!)
V works in a community based instruction program in a public school, helping special-needs students learn life skills. Mother of three, grandmother of five!
For 50+ years we've laughed together, cried together, and we've learned a lot! We love, love, love writing and want to share with you! Please come share, too!
Check out our posts under the label "Stickhorses" for more, but suffice it to say that these cowgirls started their lives together riding stick horses. Stick horses have come to symbolize the power of dreams and imagination for C and V--besides, we love cowgirl spirit!
You and the mother of the man who done you wrong are going to raise chickens together? I love it. I hope you become international stars in the chicken-raising world, and when you (and his mother and your chickens) are famous, I hope he comes crawling back, pleading with you to take back his poor miserable, not-famous self. You go, girl!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! On to International Chicken Stardom!! C
YET ANOTHER STUPENDOUS COMMENT!
SimplyJoolz (see our blogroll for link) said these kind words about the travails of C:
I love this story -its like a well written novel. I can't wait until the part where C kicks the useless husband between his hanky and his small change pocket! Lol!
It's coming, Joolz! C
PS - thank you all for your comments. They so give me a lift--often just when I need it!
C's SINGLE AGAIN POWER
Below is a list of things I'm learning to do--wish I'd started years earlier! It feels so good to list my "Power Accomplishments" for you, and I'd love to hear about yours!
Replacing the back fireplace refractory panel. Who knew?
Jacking up the front porch with my new, red, hydraulic jack!!
Learning to shoot and getting my Conceal-and-Carry license! (Power rush!!)
Purchasing tires...all by myself!
Buying and installing (!) the lawn tractor battery! Again, not rocket science...
Putting a new end on a ruined looooong extension cord. One prong was missing, and we replaced the plug-in. (Who knew you could do this??) I feel so, well, powerful!
Cleaning Tractor Air Filter
Dealing with fire ants--boy, are those suckers tuff!
Gettin' that utility pole installed.
Ordering gravel (SB 2!)
Replacing hydraulic hoses
Learning about the lawn mower (engine stabilizer!).