C: WARNING. This is a Soapbox I’m Standing On
Whew! Let me say it again: Whew! This week has been a humdinger. As a family law attorn
I have found myself going from one conference room to the next, meeting with clients. What this means, of course, is that all the paperwork needed from those will have to be done this weekend!
Yes, people are still getting divorced at alarming numbers (yours truly…), but that’s not what this rant is about. Before I go full-swing let me say a few “givens,” because I am going to sound somewhat harsh in this post:
- All babies, regardless of circumstance of birth, are blessings, end of story. We are happy, happy, happy they are here.
- Life throws us curves. Things (pregnancies, included) happen when they are not expected. They just do, and I get that.
- If you or someone you love are in the position of single parentdom already, I’m sorry, and I mean no offense. I know many are there by other-than-choice and that is not what I am preaching about here. Well, not exactly….
I think we all know there has been a steep rise in unwed births. I am very tempted to lapse into statistics here, because they would alarm you, but if you want those, ask and I’ll supplement. I’m scared this is going to be too long as it is.
What I want to focus on today is the not one, not two, but three young women I encountered in my practice recently. All have babies (under one year) by men to whom they are not married. All three mothers are wild-eyed crazy (sincerely) at the thought of those men now getting visitation. All three mothers want supervised visits for reasons from among the following:
- He has a rage problem and no patience;
- He uses drugs—she just knows it because she knows what he did when they were together. We just can’t seem to get a sample to prove it.
- He never cared for the baby before and only wants visitation as revenge on her—probably true in one case.
- He lives with his mother in a falling-down trailer with four cats and three dogs in the house; nasty, nasty, nasty. Where is her baby going to sleep and where is her baby going to safely crawl around?
- He’s irresponsible and immature (ya think??).
All three women admit that they knew of these unsavory characteristics in these men before they got pregnant.
These women are in sincere distress when I tell them (all but one) that supervised visits ain’t gonna happen under their facts. No, the
“What about breastfeeding?” they ask, “Isn’t that a special case?” Sure is; my advice: start pumping and freezing. The courts will (must) ensure that almost any father has a real relationship with his child if he wants one.
And, now, we come to the issue that really has me worked up: Many of these girls are getting pregnant by men they have never had intention of marrying!!! When I ask them, they will tell me all those reasons they now don’t want him visiting (see above), finishing up their litany with “I would NEVER marry him.”
They slept with him (unprotected) but they don’t think he’s good enough for them to marry? They would foist a jerk on an innocent little child? I’m sorry. It upsets me no end, no end, no end. It is rank “me-ism.” Me, me, me, me, me—hang the consequences to anyone else, including an innocent baby not yet born.
And, while I often see women who just petulantly don’t want to “give” visitation, these three cases involve sincere concerns. I happen to agree with them. If I were these babies’ mother, it would give me ulcers to send him/her into these environments. But, those kids will go. Why? Because their mothers chose poorly for them. They set them up with circumstances that are far less than ideal. They did not have to do that to these children.
I want to shout this from the rooftop to young women everywhere: If you want to sleep around, I won’t preach morality to you—your business, strictly. But we live in a day and age when birth control is absolutely available and you should remember that taking care of your unborn child is more than just about quitting smoking and drinking during pregnancy 
It’s about safe-nesting. Wild birds do it—they choose the best location and circumstances that they can to give their offspring the best chance in life. Why can’t human women do it? Folks, over thirty-five percent (conservatively) of all births in America are out of wedlock now. There is a whole ‘nother post about why this, alone, even with great fathers, is less than ideal.
If you do not heed my warning here and you get pregnant out of wedlock by someone you have no intention of marrying, you are starting out as an irresponsible parent from the get go. You are consigning your unborn child to disadvantage because of your own rank selfishness. And if you inflict upon your child a father that you don’t even want as a husband because of his character flaws, then shame, shame, shame on you. That child had no say in any of this, and your selfishness will impact him or her far and away more that it does you.
And I am flinching to be hit by you out there in blogdom for my statements above..I know they sound harsh. But they are my perspec
All I’m asking here is that women THINK! And care about someone else other than themselves when the consequences are so dire. Please take care of your unborn child by building a safe nest before he or she comes. It is basic mothering…
C’mon out there…how do we get across to young women that they have a responsibility to their future children to nest safely? Do I need to get a tent and a bullhorn and go on the road?
And if you’re already in this predicament, there is hope. Sequel to this rant covering what-to-do-now-that-I’m-in-this-pickle is available on request. People usually pay $250 per hour for this advice…
See, I told you this was a rant…I’m gonna push “publish,” but I am, truly, flinching…C
PS: I see Barbara from 3 Acre Homestead is first on the comment bandwagon. This is ironic, because I first got the thought about the responsibility for "safe-nesting" from her blog. She wrote about her ducks choosing good locations for their nests, and I thought "WE need to do that..." Go visit Barbara. She is wise and you will love her blog. C
Comments
When my children were old enough to date I told them why they should not have sex, (unwanted pregnancy, diseases that kill) but also told them worse case scenario if you can't say NO you must have a condom and if you do not, CALL ME even if it is 2 am and I will pick them up and throw them out as I drive bye your location. I preached so much that I now have a daughter that is going on thirty that still has no child and is a nice girl. Of course I am wondering if I will ever have a grandchild.....just kidding....Point being Parents really must preach and preach and preach. I also made my children watch just about every video at the Libary on the subject at least once. Did you know that the Henry Winkler put together a wonderful video on the subject of the sex education for children?
At least we did not have a unwanted pregnancy.....
My kids tell me all the time, "ENOUGH ALREADY".
Awesome job and keep it up.
QMM
Barbara did just the right thing on this subject with her kids. I agree with her.
Living on the Spit is gracious. I do not mean to be hard about this...I just see so much pain tat could be avoided. I look at her blog and know that she has overcome whatever those challenges were. C
I will never understand young girls like that, nor have I ever been a girl like that.
Have a nice weekend, if possible.;)
Do I understand their fear? Oh yes, sadly only too well. Things change sometimes, within a relationship, within a marriage, when children arrive. Then, sometimes, what is best is to divorce and to become a single parent. Did I ever want this? No but sadly that is exactly what happened to me.
I preach to my children to NOT have sex, but, I also preach about why it's also necessary to keep your wits about you and always have condoms on hand. Worked fine with my 21-year old son, and it still does. At 10 and 12 my daughters are still too young, but, they KNOW all about condoms, AIDS, unwanted pregnancy, venereal diseases. And what these things WILL DO to their life and their future choices in life. Limit them.
Just keep talking. That's the important thing. And, thank you.
Things have changed, not for the better.
The ones who do not follow in the footsteps of their parents are the ones who change the future of their family. Some still do.
Thoughtful post!
People so need to THINK what they are doing and the ramifications of their actions. (men and women - the men too could say no to sex if there is the absence of a condom!)
Great post!
I've heard all the rants about bringing children into the world under terrible circumstances, but C, I've never thought about the "nesting" thing. That is a great way to look at it!
You may get some flack or not, but there are a slew of women that are behind you, those of us who have almost grown kids, teens, and those of us who've lived long enough to see the consequences of un-thought-out sex. Bravo! These young ones will see it, too, when they've lived as long as we have.
Family...what was meant to be so precious.
Children...So many hurting and put in the middle.
Thank you for this courageous post.
I came over from Vee's Blog and hope that many will read this. Parents and Young People alike.
Becky K.
Hospitality Lane
I wish our schools would do more at a young age to teach the ramifications of early parenthood and what the responsibilities of raising a child will be, as part of required curriculum. It's the only way I can see how that message will ever be brought forth for a majority of today's youth.
But I'm also going to blame many 'famous' people that young women idolize... movie and music stars that have babies right and left and are not married. It's being accepted and it's being touted as cute, cool, fun, romantic, blah, blah, blah. Does no one have any SHAME anymore? We need to go back to the morals that said, 'NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE'. (And don't tell me that is unrealistic and can't be done.) You might know what kind of father the guy will be by then, and hopefully, you'll make a wiser choice.
I work with men and women who could have been the children described in your post. There aren't a lot of happy endings.
You'll have no brickbats from me - you're just speaking common sense, that has nothing to do with judging the actions of others - it's all about looking at what is and acknowledging that the children are the big losers....and speaking up to educate young women.
It also works from the other side as my son was blackmailed by his now ex wife to marry if he ever wanted to see his daughter. (to hell with what the law told her)
They married. It was manipulation for years and years. He was always the main parent and fortunately when the end came he did get custody of both children to their benefit as well as his.
They are 15 and 21 both doing well, the eldest in her last year of college. NEITHER one will ever have a surprise pregnancy- it's pretty much guaranteed!!!