C: Resolution

RESOLUTION! re-zə-ˈlü-shən
n. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.

This is so trite, that I almost can’t bring myself to write it. After all, how cliché is the “New Year’s Resolution,” anyway. Still, I find myself sorely in need of one—and in need of actually keeping it, for once.

This year I need to leave somewhere else 50 pounds of myself. Just gotta do it…There are things I want to do, and this extra part of me is getting in the way.

I love food, no doubt, but what I have come to see is that in times of high stress, I turn to food for comfort. The problem is, it works…I feel better at those times, but that leads to extra poundage, which is now bogging me down. My biggest problem is at work, which is high-octane all the time.

Here is the text of the Interoffice memo I sent to all my staff today:

INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
DATE: January 4, 2010
TO: ENTIRE STAFF
FROM: C
RE: 2010 office standard operating procedure update—no deviations!
__________________________________

In the past months, you have all, at one time or another (John, most especially) been commanded by me something like this: “OMG! Judge P may not grant that continuance….what will I do?! Quick! Go get me something with high-fat content and high calories…and don’t forget the ‘real’ coke…”

New year, new decade, new leaf turning over.

You will all find the office kitchen stocked with healthy foods: healthy frozen dinners in the freezer; lean lunch meat, fruit and yogurt in the fridge; whole wheat bread. Please feel free to help yourselves to this and their replenishments.
In turn, you must unwaveringly follow the directives below.

Here are the SOPs for the eventuality of my future high-fat demands (yes, it will happen again, so prepare yourselves):

When I begin to demand unhealthy food, say “No!” in a firm, but gentle voice.

If I insist, go get one of the senior partners, who will then (I have faith) countermand my directive.

If the unhealthy request persists, throw me in the windowless, lead-lined room* and hold the door shut. DO NOT open it until the entreaties for fat subside. If things get really out of hand in there, pick a time when I sound like I’m at the far side of the room and throw in one of those grapefruit cups, which often has the effect of ameliorating the fat craving.

Special Instructions for Chocolate: Chocolate is actually considered “medicinal.” (Just trust me on this) It is, as those of you who are female know, an essential food group. The danger comes in its overuse, as it is prone to addiction. It is permissible to administer medicinal doses of chocolate (equal to three or four Hershey Kisses, one Godiva truffle, or—at most—one small candy bar) once or twice a week, especially in times of high stress. If, however, you see me carrying about one of those very large M&M bags, confiscate it at once, and dole the doses out, ten pieces no more often than twice a week.

Thanks to you all for your assistance in helping me whip my reliance on fatty foods and chocolate in this new year.

For those of you who are wondering, we do have a room that we call the "lead-lined, windowless room." Our office used to be a medical clinic, and this was the x-ray room. I believe that they have actually removed the lead lining, but it sounds so much more exciting to call it this, don't you think. It is just perfect for full-moon freak-outs or fat-craving episodes, which may actually be linked, now that I think about it.

Seriously, I HAVE to do something here. I have much to do and health to maintain...some of you who have shared of your own success in this type of journey have inspired me...I shall report, and I welcome your inquiries about my progress.

As I have mentioned, V and I are about to embark (on the 28th) on a BFF trip, hence the countdown to the right. We are beside ourselves with excitement, and we shall keep you all posted from the high seas! C

PS - I just clicked on the comment section and the word verification it gave me was "flabi." It's a sign...(sigh).