C: Why We Divorce (Strictly Anecdotal!)

Well, Tipper and Al Gore are kaput!  What is the world coming to?   After that kiss at the convention!  After 40 years!

This morning on the way to try a divorce case, I was listening to NPR’s Morning Edition discuss the Gore situation.  The conclusion of the article is that, basically, the Gores have “grown apart”  (what I call “drift”), and  that this is a common evolution of a relationship. 

The narrator indicated that the Gores fit in the category she refers to as “the second wave of divorce,” referring to couples who have lasted in a marriage more than twenty years and their increased risk of divorce.  Her take?  “Let’s not call it a ‘tragedy,’ but celebrate it as a part of life…”  So, marriage-for-life seems kaput, too.

As all this was unfolding, I was asked to write a post for an organization composed mainly of “family scientists.”  I am the lone attorney in this group of professors, counselors, etc.   The request was for a post giving my view of the reasons people divorce.  They have surveys and studies abunch done in their scientific ways, but they were interested in my view from the ground, as it were.  The post here is an adaptation of that writing, because I thought the Stick Horse Cowgirl readers might like to see the results of my own survey.

Why do people divorce?  Well, if you’re talking the “root” causation, I’d have to say things like rank selfishness and unrealistic expectations play a part(you know, “my soul mate,” and billowing romantic fantasies of what marriage should be).

But this post concerns immediate causes—the events or characteristics that people claim as the reason for their divorce.

As a divorce attorney I do have a window into this.  In my state, we still require grounds for almost all divorces.  Therefore, in most cases it is necessary for a party seeking a divorce to declare what his/her grounds for divorce are. 

The wisdom of requiring grounds over a no-fault statue is a whole ‘nother post, but I feel it brewing…

My staff and I discussed this “cause” topic and arbitrarily decided that we would inventory the last 75 divorce files we have opened.  Here are the stats as we found them—real life in action—from least numerous to  most numerous reason for divorce in these cases (can you hear the drum roll?):

Primary Cause for Divorce	No. Cases Found
Family Interference (parents hated daughter-in-law and won)	1
Finances.  Sole stated reason for divorce.  I believe financial strain plays a role in other divorces, but this one was pegged on this cause.	1
Mental Illness.  Whew! No doubt on this one…mental illness was THE cause.	1
Pornography addiction named as sole reason (pornography also played a stated part in approximately 6 other divorces, maybe more.  We are seeing internet and “Craig’s list sex” type of involvement more and more)	1
Incest (grandfather/ granddaughter). Caused divorce of grandparents (Thank God! You have no idea how often I see spouses of perps take up for them).	1
Drug Addiction (drugs played a part in several other divorces, too).  In these three cases, drug addiction was the stated ground for divorce.  Financial devastation reigned in all three…lost savings, foreclosure in one case, etc.	3
Domestic Violence (one was wife battering husband, repeatedly and undeniably)	6
Alcoholism (this were cases where Alcohol was the stated primary reason—alcohol played a part in others, especially where there was domestic violence)	6
Wife committed adultery	6
“Drift.”  This is the term I use when client says “We grew apart” or some such and there is no other visible cause.  To be truthful, rarely do I really believe this is the cause…”drift” often is a euphemism for something they don’t want to discuss, as I sometimes unhappily find out in trial.	9
NO. 1 REASON FOR DIVORCE:  Husband committed adultery	38

And, now, Survey Says: the No. 1 stated reason for divorce in my files is Cheatin’ Husbands!  I knew that would be the case before this  tabulation, but even I was surprised by the margin.

And, yes, I represent cheaters, too. Take ‘em as you find ‘em.

Just an observation that came to me as I wrote this: Rarely do I see divorce after initial discovery of an affair if the cheater repents.  I cannot think of a case right now where someone “knee-jerked” a divorce action over a one-time fling and maintained it until final hearing.  It has been my experience that people are fairly forgiving of adultery if  there is change and repentance. 

On the other hand, my experience has been that people who cheat once during a marriage will usually do so again.  But, this may be a function of the fact that people who come to me because of cheating spouses are already fed up—I may just not get to see those who change their ways!

And, so you know, I do tend to represent more women than men.  Only 25% of these files were men clients, which did surprise me…didn’t realize my caseload was that woman-heavy!  Guess more women want a woman lawyer.  Again, this may skew my figures from the “norm,” but I am confident that the order of the causes would remain the same of any such list in our jurisdiction.

One comment to my post from a family science professor was the intrigued observation that I had failed to include “lack of communication” as a cause, because they all teach/are taught that this is a leading cause of divorce.  My reply: Never—not once—have I had anyone sit down in my office and say, “I need a divorce because we do not communicate anymore.”  I think this is the kind of “reason” that is given long after the fact—something you might say to Dr. Phil later on, but when you’re in your lawyer’s office, you’re “real,” and the issues are “raw.” 

We talked about the “Lack of Communication” statement at our office, and all agreed.  As our staff attorneys discussed the results of this tabulation, one associate spoke up.  She has practiced about three years and said something like this: “When a client says something like ‘we’ve just grown apart’ as a reason, I have learned to start looking around for a girlfriend/boyfriend waiting in the wings.”  She’s right, and I’d feel the same way if someone did the “communication” gig on me, although that does not happen. 

And all of us agreed that if a client says, “I just need some space,” he/she may as well be wearing a sign saying, “I’m Cheating.”  People rarely separate for no concrete reason without having someone else waiting in the wings.  (And Oh, Lordy, this is especially true of men—they do not want to be alone).

And many is the time when my client sits down to say, “We’ve grown apart,” and I dig (because that’s my job), and end up with a weeping client revealing the shame (misplaced) of being beaten or being betrayed by  adultery.  Domestic violence is one of families’ best-kept secrets.  I do not understand why this is, but I do know it’s true.  Mostly it is women who are battered and keep it to themselves, but the few times I’ve seen battered men, they have that same sense of shame and reluctance to talk about it.

Back to Tipper and Al: they’re claiming “drift,” aren’t they?  Well, my cynicism and practiced eye tells me that’s not the whole story.  I’m going out on a limb here and predicting (on the worldwide web, no less) that because of the public’s eye on this couple, we’ll soon find out that their divorce will fall in that No. 1 category (you know, that 1999 “Al’s an Alpha male” comment and all)…time will tell.

And, really, I must say to Morning Edition that never—not in 31 years of family law practice—have I seen a case where the divorcing couple viewed it as a “celebration of life.”  Sheesh!